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Sunday, August 29th, 2004
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my hair is gone but im doing good and im getting alot of support from family and my friends
but i prob. wont be on here much
<3
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i go in for chemo tomorrow for a few weeks. Im really scared. I hear you get really nausious and throw up alot. wish me luck
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i was diagnosed with leukemia
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i like never update. im never on the computer! i havent been on aim since....AGES!!!
i got a job at this bookstore not too long ago.
i went to mexico with jenn and her family and maybe ill post pictures but not today cuz their on her camera. There was alot of cute boys though and i got a tan!
i am tryign to stop drinking again but its hard with my dad being home and all. the liquor cabinet has quadrupled in size.
oh well
knowing him he wont stay for long
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I took some pictures of myself and this is the only one i liked
im so ugly
school is out and i think im gonna have to repeat the grade. i was absent too much with being in drug rehab and all tha tshit, i missed school for court
what is wrong with me?
im never home anymore. me and jon are talkin again but its weird. hes doing a lot of things he shouldnt
my grandparents might replace the car i wrecked. idk thatd be cool. i want something red or black and really fast
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so i was in the hospital all week because i got in an accedint.
i got my license a couple weeks ago and this awesome car from my uncle and i totaled it while i was driving drunk at like 2 in teh morning. now i have to go to court and i dont have a car. life sucks.
john is an ass and my moms a bitch.
my little brother took my weed. and im nto allowed to smoke anymore cuz my mom said im in to much trouble already. so i made him give me his cell phone cuz mine broke
oh i forgot i was supspended this week too cuz i smacked barbie in the head with one of those rats were disecting in ap biology. its her fault for being so damn stupid
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Thursday, April 29th, 2004
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Dear Journal,
so thers this guy I likie whos a little younger then me but hes sooooo hot. he doesnt know me but i really want him. too bad hes too busy with his dealer that dhe doesnt realize im alive. theres nothing left for me to do but watch spanish soap operas. life sucks.
ps: he was lookin so damn good today.
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Saturday, April 3rd, 2004
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i never have time to write in here
I got in a fight with johns girlfriend. she really pisses me off and she looks like a piece of shit. theyr not going to last, even john says so. but right now hes her priority and i am nothing
i dont care
i met this kid in my art class. he seems cool...
and my dad moved out..again. maybe this time he won't come back
i'm still keeping up the sXe thing, but wow its boring
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Thursday, March 25th, 2004
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John has a girlfriend.
he has practiclly forgotten my existence
-XrachelX
ps: shes ugly too.
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i guess i shoudl update on whats happened in the past month
so one night in january i decided to end my life.
i guess i didnt think it out through.
i took a bunch of pills when my family was gone
i left them a nice note.
once i started puking my guts out and really feeling like i was gonna die, my family got back from the soccer game and found me. they took me to the hospital where i had my stomach pumped.
after i recovered from that i was shipped off to a mental hospital because i'm "suicidal". i was there for the past month until this week.
i have so much catching up to do
i wonder if people will remember me when i return.
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my brother is such an ass.
he stole $40 from me to buy weed.
and he's only 10
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Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
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it's over
it's all over
i can't believe i was so stupid, to think that, god...it's too...
wow,
i never thought that i'd be here, typing out my heart in front of some cold nonresponsive computer screen
its just that, the people who've always cared about you...you like expect them to, no matter what, like no matter how shitty you treat them you always expect them to be like THERE for you.
but then you realize what you've done
and how you've screwed up everything
everything
god right now,
the moment that i needed everyone the most, more than any time before
they all hate me
for ditching them, and blah blah, things that don't really seem to matter now
but god,
i wish i still had my best friends
i wish i didn't focus on every litle thing that everyone had said about me and been so dramatic, when all they were trying was help me
goddamn drama
i really do care about them
all
but they don't care about me anymore
i don't blame them
i wouldn't care about me too
haha its funny, lately i've been getting all these 'new friends' you know the ones you don't really know and that dont know you but you just happened to find in some way or another and you like expect them to care and to like give a damn, but time and time again they don't. everybody just cares about themselves and the like only reasoin they even listn to you talk is just so they can be like, oh yeah and my problem is: blah,
and the only reason u look to them is becous its so much easier to maintain relationships with people you don't fucking know and pretend to care about these people, then to work out shit with real, living breathing people that you actually know
its like living on the what could have been instead of facing reality
goddddd
if you read this, go apologize to every single person you've screwed over, called a fag, been an asshole to because one day you're going to need that person and theyre gonna stop needing you
but at least you'll get the chance to try and make things right
its too late for me to do that
...I’m such a pussy. I’m backing out. Somebody gave me something that they thought I could live with, they thought I could handle it. And I how I love proving people wrong. Sure, somebody’s going to come along and say something like, “stop! Everybody loves you, you have something to live for!” and in reality… there’s nothing. This whole thing...will make one happy skeleton in the grave.
I’m tired of painting pictures on the wall with blood I’m tired of reading my own story over and over again. Anyways I’m an unproductive suicidal emo bitch. I’ve dug myself a hole I can’t get out of now.
It’s just the feeling that everything you will ever love will wander off and die eventually. And so it does
if you want maybe drop by some time, put some flowers on my grave
so that i look beautiful
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Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004
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| Time: | 9:40 pm. |
| Mood: |  cold. | | Music: | cross out the eyes. |
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ok so fuck all of this
i don't need john
at all
i just need something to fill up the void in me
and filling it up with some self absorbed demoralizing piece of shit isn't a good way to do it
i just feel so stupid
for pushing away all those people that cared about me in the process..now that i think back on it...if i had been in their place i probably would have done the same i guess
fuck it
today i'm going to start over
i wont be manipulated,
i'm going to find all those people who used to give a damn about me and fix things because, shit, people like that are hard to find
and from now on, i'll be there for anyone who needs me to be there
always.
yes.
no more john, no more self pity, no more pushing away people who care the most
...even if i am terribly terribly lonely
i miss him
i will do it.
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| Time: | 6:05 pm. |
| Mood: |  numb. | | Music: | dashboard confessional. |
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im so confused about what's going on with me and john
he's always with me, he's always giving me some kind of drug
and he's always pressuring me into doing things with him.
i wish i knew where in this "relationship" we were, and if he really likes me
or if he's only using me for sex
i hope he's not
i need him I really do
on a side note me and brit talked again
more like, argued
i still cant believe she threw away our friendship over nothing
she told me i'm not hanging out with the right people anymore
she hates john
john may not have all the best qualities you would want in a friend, but he is always there for me and i appreciate him for caring about me because i haven't had anyone so close in a while now
it bothers me how she says she still loves me but isn't making any effort in repairing our friendship
i wish she still understood me like she used to
i guess we've both changed
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Thursday, January 29th, 2004
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never get involved with the cops
me and john were down at the elementary school parking lot drinking liquor from my dads liquor cabinet.
we saw the car and ran.
NEVER run from a cop
i'm supposed to be grounded for the next 2 weeks because the cop took us both home.
mom was so dissappointed
i feel so horrible
i'm crying.
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Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
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So I like skipped school all day with john.
we stole these pills from the grocery store.
i'm getting used to this triple c/coricidin stuff
after a while you stop puking and start seeing all these things and its all purple and like whooo.
i fucked him
then i threw up all over him
i just like started to laugh
life is so hard
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Monday, January 26th, 2004
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god things are so fucked up right now
brad broke up with me
right after i fucked him
everything is wrong
I HATE LIFE
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Saturday, January 24th, 2004
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shit shit shit shit shit
just got off the phone with brad
someone mentioned the lake to him
apparently i made out with john
what bullshit! i dont remember doing that
god if he dumps me
i mean
i don't know
what
ill
do
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Friday, January 23rd, 2004
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today during lunch i took pills
god i'm so fucking messed up right now
i'm never taking anything john gives me again
ever
fuck it
i dont think i love brad
and i dont think he loves me
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Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
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brad's coming over in a little bit
i havent told him about the lake
i dont know what he'd do
whatever he would tho
it wouldnt be good
its better just not to say anything
i'm not good at keeping my mouth shut
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mysoulisblack's journal